Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

The fifth movie of Disneys extremely popular swashbuckler franchise shows that it is about to sink like an anchor. 

Let me just start with saying that I love this series. The first one: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) is in every way just fantastic. Now we are reaching film number five and even though it has two very talented Norwegian directors, it suffers from the very typical Blockbuster Disease. By being way too ambitious, having a weak manuscript and a Johnny Depp that feels like he is sick of the character this Pirates movie is just a proof that we must abandon the ship.

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So. In this movie Jack Sparrow has to ally with Henry Turner to find the Trident of Poseidon. A mythical item that can be used to break the curse of his father William Turner who is still the captain of the flying Dutchman. Sparrow is of course being hunted by a crew of undead pirates he has pissed off led by Javier Bardem. The acting in the movie is sadly very disappointing. A lot of big names but none of them seem very believable. Depp seems unmotivated and tired of playing Sparrow, an undead Javier Bardem is also boring. The highlight is easily Geoffrey Rush as Hector Barbossa, who has now become a wealthy capitalist pirate with several ships under his Queen Annes Revenge.

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There is a short cameo by Paul McCartney here as Captain Jacks Uncle who is also named Jack, and it is one of the highlights of the movie just to see McCartney in heavy makeup talking to Johnny Depp.

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So. yeah the script. Oh crap this script is terrible. Filled with bad clichés and terrible one liners. The movie had problems with a script for a long time and was supposed to be filmed back to back with the last one On Stranger Tides(2011) but was pulled back due to budget and script issues. and quite frankly I can get it. They have said they wanted to make a movie that felt like the original Black Pearl but the result is the total opposite. The script is written by Jeff Nathanson who is also known to do Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull. I am still trying to understand the point of the plot but it is so terribly written and filled with plotholes that I had to give up.

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Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg tries their very best on directing this terrible excuse for a screenplay and their directing is not bad. They honestly do quite the good job on making a movie that tries to recover the shipwrecked Black Pearl. It is like how we see in well every blockbuster out there. It is a big name, a big franchise that sells a lot for Disney, but the quality of the series has gone down like an anchor.

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The CGI here looks awful. The undead army of Salazar is ugly and not in a visually cool way and the fight scenes are terribly coordinated. This Pirates movie feels forced down your throat with the terrible plot and action sequence and it is quite exhausting when it is over after 120 minutes.  They have also de-aged Johnny Depp in a scene to play younger Jack Sparrow and it looks so terrible. Most of the time it is like why would anyone wanna see that?

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The music is not being done by Hans Zimmer who did the previous four but is instead being composed by his protegé Geoff Zanelli who helped out on the previous four movies. The soundtrack takes Zimmers earlier works and fails to add anything new or something worth mentioning to the sound image.

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Now someone should probably sink this corpse of a franchise before Disney manages to milk it even more. Sadly there are so many signs of even more swashbuckling in the future as this is definitely not the final film. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is what happens when you milk a series way too far for money and the only thing they could have done was use a better screenplay. That would have helped out a lot to save this movie from walking the plank.

Score: 3/10

Trailer

 

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